What I want

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My life is not physically harsh, and I keep on trying to rationalize my issues.  I always know there is someone on this planet who is living much worse than me, at the same time I can’t help but envy the people who live lavishly.

It’s a cycle, I try to just shove all the way in the back of my mind. And yet it will always comes up and bothers me.

I am burdened with many tasks and, many advice giving persons always reiterate in some way or form to look at things in different perspectives.  I guess that was the problem, by listening to all those advice, I see things equivocally. The greatest extreme and the lowest extreme.

I grow envious and a little depressed at my circumstances and yet, I cannot feel good about being above others. This conflict is so, aggravating at times. Conflicting thoughts, perspectives and paradigms, my only solace sometimes is to just crash(sleep). Or delude myself with alcohol or inhibitors, to ease my troubles.

I just want to exist, without worries and enjoy life. I say this and my mind can’t help but draw up a Utopian society where, peoples worries disappear and they are forever happy. And for any resident brought up in that society, that happiness will be all that they know. And with those thoughts I can’t help but grow sad. Because I question that Utopian society, “At what cost?”

At what cost do have people be happy and without worries? Is it by taking away that ability to think? Or draw concepts about various complexities? Ignorance is Bliss certainly speaks a lot if a Utopia had that as its core principle.

“You will never know unhappiness, if you do not experience it. Therefore the Society will always do whats best for you so you are always happy.”

And so who controls this type of Utopia? It seems like shackles when you decide everything for a society where, by your will everything bends to it. You are the rule and only rule.

Now I’m going down a rabbit hole, I’d rather not take today. Damn… the digression is strong with me today.

Yup, I am just going to go take some meds and things should smooth over. I will follow the worlds Utopian order and stay docile, to serve my masters. Yup, it’s easy to play a fantasy when the reality of a harsh environment, is too much for a mental capacity. And the sad truth, in order to expand ones mental capacity, you would need to overcome the struggles and face situation after situation. Accumulate experience, all in its entirety, who really has that ability? Not even a genius, by our current standards has that mental integrity.

The mind is infinitely amazing and all of it is really, just tiny particles exchanging energy between each other, to make living beings think, even if its by reflex or instinct.

Alright, enough ranting. Imma head to bed. things will be easier that way.