The moment you realize . . .

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Lost in my thoughts at work. I’m really confused and frustrated. I hate, and I mean it when I express “hate”, my current situation. I am not satisfied and I hate losing. I’m getting the impression from my peers to just change my perspective on things but. That isn’t always right.

In a way, I look at myself and I wonder how do, I look at my life differently? How can I tell myself I’m better off than most people, when I can’t find the solace and peace that I wish. Reading other peoples happiness and bliss. It upsets me sometimes because, that’s what I want. But at the same time I’m conflicted. I am conflicted because, I look at the many probabilities that come with a situation. I can’t foresee every possibility out there, but I’m looking for that path for my happiness.

But as much as I search, I get the feeling that I am wrong. And the feeling that I am not. I haven’t experienced a lot, and I am scared. I am scared of living a life, that doesn’t leave me fulfilled.

It scares me to the point where I tend to fall towards despair. I keep telling others that, “there are two kinds of people, when faced with a difficult obstacle. There are people that will rise above the challenge and take things head on. And others that will meet an obstacle and fall into despair.”

My mind and my body are in chaos. My heart and emotions are all over the place. I really feel like destroying something. My frustrations are beginning to show in an obvious way. I used to be able to hide my discomfort, but now I’m fatigued to where I can’t maintain my calm demeanor.

I am a failure at a lot of things and I am scared of a lot of things, I act tough most of the time, but I habitually shy away from people and situations. I am that awkward guy, because I find it challenging to connect with people. I feel useless half the time, and I think negatively of myself. I know I shouldn’t and all the self-help books, articles, videos, tell me I shouldn’t. I know that, but I still feel this way. “In time I will come to understand”, but my patience is quite low. Time is not something I’d like to waste. Knowing the answers to all my problems and still going through the motions, emotions and steps.  It’s just a pain, and going through this pain, is annoying as f~~k. sigh well i’m just hitting that low point in my life again, so rather than fall of my roller coaster into despair. I will just keep on going until I overcome the obstacles in front of me.

Good luck to everyone in life. And if you made it this far thanks for reading.